Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Clever Girl

Allie has not seen the thing for 3 years which means, the last time she saw him, she was 2 years old. Obviously she doesn't remember (she does remember seeing snow for the first time that year, but I guess the thing didn't make the same big impression on her). I almost never talk about him, but when I do and she's near, I refer to him as 'the thing' (in fact, I always refer to him as 'the thing, whether she's there or not), so she wouldn't even recognise his name.

When I took her to kindergarten the first day, I was nervous about the questions which would arise when all the other kids talk about their daddies. I decided to tell her about him when she asks, but I wasn't sure yet what to say. I spoke to her teacher about it so that she wouldn't ask her questions such as "What does your Daddy do?" and other things relating to her 'daddy'. She was just two at the time. She's been in the same kindergarten ever since, and every year she gets a new teacher. All the teachers knows about our situation, so I never had to tell each teacher our story. Still today she hasn't asked about her Dad.

I have to say that I think the fact that we stay with my parents never made her feel that she is missing a family member. When she started kindergarten, she started copying me and called my father 'Daddy' a few times. I guess when the other kids talked about their daddies, she figured that she also has one at home. She also goes to the mall and park with me and my boyfriend who she loves (and he absolutely adores her too, I might add). So, it's always the three of us, just like when she sees her friends with their parents. She and Jake gets along really well. He is very athletic (and I'm very NOT), so he teaches her all the ball skills and other sport stuff. She calls him Jakey. So I guess that between my Dad and Jake, she has enough father figures anyway.

This year, her new teacher probably forgot about our situation and asked the kids to draw a picture about 'Mommy and Daddy". When Allie told me, I was worried that it upset her because she wouldn't have known what to draw. I asked her what she drew and she gave me this look which I read as 'Duh, what type of question is that?' and she said to me, "Helooo! I drew you and Jakey!"

We never told her what a 'Daddy' is or what he is supposed to do. We also didn't tell her that Jake would one day be her daddy when we get married. I think she just figured on her own what a Daddy is supposed to do, and decided that Jake is just that. I must say, except that Jake doesn't live with us, he definitely acts as a daddy (and a real good one, I might add). I never asked him to do that, just like I didn't ask Allie to accept him as one. I guess they just 'clicked'.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Good Girl

Today, I'm back in the present.

Yesterday we went to see a concert with my family, my daughter included. We went to see the Harmonic Brass - Munich. It's a brass quintet with two trumpets, a french horn, a trombone and a tuba. They played a variety of songs and composers,including Bach, Bizet, Debussy, Webber and Luoiguy just to name a few. We sat in the second row and when these 5 musicians entered, they all looked at her. I wondered if they thought that their show might be ruined by a little girl who was forced to come. I just smiled at them, hoping that they could see in my eyes that I'm trying to say that she will be well behaved the whole time.
Naturally, she was. She loves music! When It was the Intermission, we went to buy one of their Cd's and had it autographed. All five of them greeted her, and I could see that they were amazed, just as some of the other audience members, that this little girl sat so still and watched the show.
The first time we took her to the theatre, she was 2 years old. We wanted to see a concert of Sergei Nakariakov, but we had no one to watch her, as we all wanted to go. We booked tickets on the balcony so that I could slip out with her when she started to get difficult. She didn't. She couldn't take her eyes off the trumpeter and the pianist. That was when I knew that she would love music like I do. We also went to see 'Swan Lake on Ice' and that, to her, was magic!
I want to see if I can take her to the theatre at least once a month. I think that some parents would be jealous if they saw how much my girl enjoys it while they have to worry about baby-sitters. I have the best little angel in the world! Lucky me!
I'm going to see which shows will be on soon!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

In the begining

Well, what could I have expected? A good student, hard worker, big dreamer, 'most likely to be successful'. How could they not be utterly disappointed? Mom said that I had to tell Dad. It was bad, real bad.
Usually when Dad came home, we talked about our days, or plans for when we go to the farm again and so on. When I asked him to switch off the TV to talk, he must have known there was a problem.
"Dad,I have something to say to you, and I know you will be disappointed." I couldn't think it. I was his 'Pride and Joy'. We have our special relationship, one that he doesn't share with Cat or Andy. I was about to break his heart. I couldn't, but I had to. Tears started streaming down my face. "Dad, I'm pregnant."
Off course he didn't know what to say, he didn't expect it. But he's a business man, so he had to think of the practicalities. "Will you be able to handle it?" "Does the thing know?" "Is he going to be involved?" These were all questions directed at the situation, not any of our feelings.
I answered the questions with "I don't know." "Yes." & "Yes." After that, silence filled the room with a deafening effect. I told him good night and went to brush my teeth. After a while, when I passed the bathroom, I could hear him sob like father who has lost his child. I would have said that I cried myself to sleep, but I didn't sleep. After that I didn't sleep for two weeks.
Me and my parents were on a 'talk when it's of utmost importance' spree. The only conversations which went around were "Good morning." "Good Night." "Pass the salt." And the one time; "I made an appointment with Dr. Gregg for Tuesday morning at 09H30, need a lift?"
I kept to myself, trying to make it as easy as possible for them to be around me. It was awful seeing the look on their faces each day. I wondered what went through their minds when they looked at me. I wondered if they would ever forgive me.
Almost two weeks after I told Dad, they went on their usual Saturday shopping trip. I stayed at home, not wanting to spoil their day. When they got back, Dad wanted to speak to me. "I was thinking, in about two years time, I will be standing on the farm,near the feeding troths, teaching my grandchild how to say 'Moooo' and 'Mêêêê'." (I didn't expect that.) I stared at his face. He was talking to me, not asking me to pass the salt. And he was SMILING! Even his eyes were smiling!

Just then he took something from behind his back. I was so shocked that I didn't realize that he was holding anything.
He gave me a big brown teddy bear with a tan tartan bow around it's neck. "I wanted to be the first to give the baby a teddy bear." Tears started welding up in his eyes. My tears were already dripping on his chest as I hugged him. I didn't expect that he would be dreaming about his grandchild already.
Just then Mum came in with the tiniest little baby grow. A green one so that it would suit a boy or a girl. She smiled at me, and I let go of Dad so that I could hug her. I'm not sure if Dad joined us, or if I just never really let go of him, but the three of us (four, if you were counting the Teddy Bear in my hand) were having a group hug. All of us crying. All of us Happy. All of us already loving this baby inside of me.
Two weeks before, I would not have thought that I would ever have a moment like this ever in my life again. I can't really say that miracles happen. This was not a miracle; this was merely two parents loving their daughter, even if she had made a mistake. I hope and pray that I will be like this with my children.

Monday, February 1, 2010

"It would never happen to me"

So, there I was. Doing the hardest test that I had ever done. I couldn't study, yet I still kind of knew what the results would be. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this would be positive. I think this is the only time in my life that I hoped for negative results in a test.
Yep, you guessed it. It was my pregnancy test. My mum could see that something was bothering me. When she asked me if I was okay I told her that I was late. She immediately knew what I had meant. Sleeping with my then boyfriend was only a recent event, and surely not something my mum knew, so yeah, she was shocked! Horrified!
She said that I was never to speak to him again. Off course I tried to defend him! He had promised the whole world and then some to me when I told him I was late. We had our whole lives ahead of us, and probably a baby as well. There was no way that I was going to cut him off!
And there began our first fight. You know mothers! They always know best! She said that it was in my best interest not to see him anymore. I knew she was going to say that! I didn't care! I was not planning on listening to her. It was my life! I was in control! I was making the decisions, not some one who thought she knew best.
After a few hours of quarreling, Mum said that she would buy me a home test in the morning. When I woke up, I went downstairs to get some breakfast. I started thinking that I was imagining things. If I were pregnant, surely I would feel sick this early in the morning. At the bottom of the stairs was an unmarked brown paper bag. I knew it was foe me. I picked it up, almost crushing it in my hands, and went to the bathroom.
The easiest test in the world (peeing on a stick) is definitely the hardest one ever! You know what you must do, and even if you haven't been to the toilet at all that day, you are as dry as a desert. That's exactly how I felt. I read the instructions and every other thing printed on the box and the leaflet about sixty five times (although the pictures on the side shows you more than you need to know) before I finally managed to actually do the test.
It said to wait for three minutes. If there is no lines, the test did not work. If there is 1 line, it is negative. If there are two lines, it's positive. I had another 2 minutes and 55 seconds left when I wanted to put the safety cap on. Before I could put it on, there were two lines.
Surely it must have been a mistake, because it said to wait for 3 whole minutes. I was sure that one of the lines would disappear in the next 2 minutes. It didn't.
I was pregnant.
I was 18 years old and pregnant.
I was not married, 18 years old and pregnant.
I was alone.
I was scared.
I was a disappointment, a failure, a disgrace, an embarrassment.
Yesterday I had courage to fight back with Mum. I thought I was smarter than she was. I thought I could conquer the world.
Some part of me knew all along that I was pregnant, but I kept thinking THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME! IT ONLY HAPPENS TO A FRIEND OF A FRIEND'S RELATIVE. IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME!